Sealed and Mailed

Julia Immel, Social Networking Advocate

January 6, 2011
Facebook, Austin
Human Resources
300 W 6^th St Austin, TX 78701

Dear Facebook Human Resources,

I am contacting you today to suggest the addition of a revolutionary new position to the Facebook team. I propose that a “lame status eliminator” be hired in order to keep Facebook from becoming a tedious and outdated website. There are currently hundreds of people leaving Facebook because it is a “waste of time.” I blame lame statuses for the departure of these frustrated and bored individuals. If these statuses were prevented from being posted, these individuals may become passionate Facebook users once again.

I realize it will be difficult to scan status updates one by one. Therefore, I have developed a program that will pinpoint lame statuses. My program identifies key words and phrases that suggest a Facebook user is guilty of lameness and subsequently deletes their update. This program will also identify statuses that have not received any comments and use the results to generate additional keywords and phrases to delete. As time goes on, the definition of what constitutes humor and lameness will change. In order to adapt, the program will need ongoing supervision, and therefore a “lame status eliminator” employed at Facebook.

When this new position is created, I would like to be considered for the job. With over 900 friends on Facebook and having read over one million statuses, I am exceptionally qualified for the position. I am well-respected on Facebook. I have been dubbed “cool, interesting, popular, and have been given ‘three and one half stars out of four’” all in the last month. I have been observing Facebook statuses and their reactions for several years now and am prepared to judge whether a person’s personal business is worthy of public knowledge.

I believe no one wants a lame Facebook status. Poor updates can result in losing the respect of hundreds of friends. By removing lame statuses, we are doing the user, their friends, and all of Facebook a favor.

Sincerely yours,

Julia “Julez” Immel