If I Wrote Horoscopes

If I were to write Horoscopes for my readers:

*All Horoscopes have been painstakingly researched, and are the absolute truth. Was I right? Let me know. But I already know I am. So just don’t say anything. Or do. I mean, whatever. Just tell me. Or not.*

Capricorn (DEC 22-JAN 19) After a series of bad days, you now have something to look forward to. Expect good luck in the New Year. You will be blessed with a child, indefinite time off work, and a public option in health care.

Aquarius (JAN 20-FEB 18) “This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius/The age of Aquarius/Aquarius! Aquarius!” Listen to this song 10 times today and you will be blessed with good fortune and (finally) a year of great sex.

Pisces (FEB 19-MAR 20) Control your frustrations today. Take a Xanax then drink a beer. But you didn’t hear it from me. And you may want to consult your doctor. If they say no, go to another doctor. And if they say no, then it might be best to sit at home and watch 10 episodes of The Golden Girls. It will have the same effect.

Aries (MAR 21-APR 19) A full moon is an excellent time to give gifts to your Taurus friends. They may be in need of financial assistance, or endless compliments. Under no circumstances should you help anyone but those of the Taurus sign. I saw it in the stars today.

Taurus (APR 20-MAY 20) Expect to be pampered today. Do not take this for granted. Say thank you.

Gemini (MAY 21-JUN 21) Mercury is retrograde and it's a Full Moon in Cancer with a lunar eclipse. This is probably a good thing.

Cancer (JUN 22-JUL 22) You might die of cancer today. Or you won’t die today.

Leo (JUL 23-AUG 22) In a series of unfortunate events, you may find yourself in the following situation. After a normal trip to the grocery store you will accidently place an item in your purse or man purse and subsequently get caught and arrested by your respected local police. You will be taken to the tool shed (aka police station) and charged with a misdemeanor. Because of your previous record of selling drugs and whoring yourself out, you will find yourself in a jail cell with 5 men, each sporting the same tattoo, because they didn’t realize the tattoo artist only knew how to make one tattoo. It is a cartoon character with a little bubble coming out saying “Age of Aquarius” in the middle. They are all Aquariuses, so you may hear them listening to that song 10 times today. You want one, but don’t get it, you will regret it if you ever get out of jail. With the massive amount of muscle in the jail cell and your already proven criminal skills, you will free yourself from the chains in the dungeon and escape. Hitchhiking may take you as far as Guatemala, where you will settle down and start a very successful business in making coffee beans laced with opium. Then you will wake up, but still pursue the idea of lacing coffee beans with opium. You should find out if that is possible.

Virgo (AUG 23-SEP 22) Take twice your prescribed medication today. You are going to need it.

Libra (SEP 23-OCT 23) A loved one will be asking for a favor today, more than likely it is more than you are willing to provide. Your best option is to stay at home and turn off your cell phone. Besides, the Insight Bowl is on. How did Iowa State get in a bowl game? Your faith, that’s how. It is a Full Moon, and a lunar eclipse in emotional Cancer, so be careful. Suck it up if Iowa State loses.

Scorpio (OCT 24-NOV 22) Plan on a quiet evening at home tonight. New Year’s Eve will not live up to your expectations, and you may find that a simple night of cheese, crackers, and a game of scrabble is more likely to bring you joy. Do not play scrabble against a Taurus. They will win because they are very smart, but also cunning, deceptive, and cheaters. You may have to pay them not to play.

Sagittarius (NOV 23-DEC 21) “Don’t Stop Believing” Today’s the day your beliefs will be proven. Peter Jackson is to be knighted.

If I were a writer of a “This I Believe” Essay

Note: Every once in awhile I will listen to our local NPR station during a “This I Believe” segment. Different listeners read their essays on air about, you guessed it, what they believe. So what do I believe? Just in case I ever decide to write one of these, I would expand upon the following ideas.

I believe someday Houstonians will turn on their headlights when it is raining. This will happen because they are probably all going to read this blog.

I believe that I am turning into my parents. I feel lucky that my parents are awesome. The way I feel about my parents, who I love more than any “This I believe” segment that I can say, is that they live on in me. I bet that’s true of everyone, even if you don’t want to be. Our genes that get passed on through children is maybe just a inadvertent way of making sure some part of us is always living on.

I believe that I will never hear music like I did when I didn’t know anything about it. Classical music has always been natural to me, and the love I had for it in high school was based on pure fascination and emotion. James Dunham has a daughter, an artist, who after years of schooling told him that she can’t appreciate art at the highest level because she has become too critical and lost in the technical aspects. Once you know so much, this knowledge never disappears. And so, as much as I love the viola and the music I make, my indescribable concept that I had originally had of music is forever changed. It becomes less magical and more about the random chance of genes lining up to create gifted geniuses with the ability and work ethic to write it down. I don’t know what I believe about whether this is part of some bigger plan.

I believe that if that if you write enough about something you believe in, you can find a way to justify your beliefs. I remember a 9^th grade assignment in Ms. Vogel’s English class where we were to write two separate essays supporting two opposing sides of a debate. I believe if the project is done correctly, you will believe whichever you are writing at the time. This I believe, and if you disagree and are just as persuadable as me, try writing about how you agree with me and then you will.

If I Wrote a Blog

When titling my blog “if I were a writer,” I probably should have had an idea about what to write.

Before I describe the concept that I came up with, I would first like to point out that “blog” has become a very common word in my generation. However, I am not totally sold that it would count in scrabble.

“If I were a writer.” I did not have any idea why I began with this title at first. Blogspot just forces you to this. High expectations, this blogspot. In retrospect, while analyzing why I came up with this, I found that I did this as a defensive mechanism. I am quite insecure about self-prolaming myself as “a writer.” (Isn’t it funny how we can look back on ourselves and judge ourselves just as we judge and analyze other people? This was yesterday, and I already realize that I was insecure back then).

Anyway, like any mediocre writer, I have decided that I would base my blog upon the title as opposed to naming the title after my blogs. (Even “blogs” doesn’t sound quite right, right?)

“If I were a writer.” If it is not apparent so far, I have no patience for writing. It’s one more thing I have to do. So if I were a writer, I would spend time writing about the ideas I have in subsequent posts.

I would like to explore what would happen if I took the risk to write in through different mediums. There are speech writers, play writers, newspaper writers, novel writers, poetry writers, religious writers, mystery writers, comedy writers, philosophical writers, advertisement writers, adventure writers, movie writers, etc. I am curious to know what I ideas I would have if I would have been someone who became this sort of writer. Let’s see how far I get.

One of my great rituals over Christmas break is to watch Little Women early in the morning. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, and it makes me miss my little sisters. There has been one quote running through my mind since the last time I watched it. Jo, the writer, in some advice to her sister on writing, says “never write what you know.” Well I intend to do that. What would I write if I had to come up with an Indie movie plot? I have no idea. Hopefully we will find out.

CORRECTION: I love and miss ALL my sisters equally.

First Try

I started this blog just now, but I don't particularly have any desire to write today. I began this blog with the purpose of forcing myself to create something other than music or food, but I will really begin it later today, or perhaps tomorrow. I have to practice. I want to watch movies. I think I will make some green herb hummus.

Actually first a quick story about being in a bar and having the desire to pick up a man. Akin to my littlest, but not smallest sister's advice, the best way to approach a man is to countdown. 3-2-1, go. So I gave it a try. I wouldn't have had the guts, but my methods were too smooth not to take advantage.

Those of you that know me, I mean REALLY know me, (the definition being that we have gone out for a meal together) will understand that talking to waiters is one of my limited number of talents. Well, one day last year, this skill got me a full stack of parking validations. I needed validation that day, and I got it in this unexpected form.

Well last night while getting a drink with Hillary (always a great time) I pulled one of these parking validations to give my number to a bartender wearing a baseball cap. I simply wrote the word For before validation, and then my name and number. This made me laugh all the way home. Taking risks always makes me laugh. Maybe I'll try again.

I will not be editing my blog for grammatical errors. I hate editing. If I have to do that, I will stop writing. Take that suckas.